Ok, Erin you asked for it.......

Ok, I have been debating whether or not to post this but here goes.....a mini "life story". I met my son's father "T" when I was 16 years old. I was a rebel child at that time and even though everyone tried to warn me that he was "no good". But I was a hard headed "grown" 16 year old and knew what I was doing. So I stayed with him because I was in love. So he was in and out of jail throughout our relationship but still I always was there when he got out. When I was 17 I moved in with him at his mother's house. I was constantly fighting with my parents about being with him so I just left. Our relationship wasn't that bad at this point, he was doing some illegal things to make money but being the way I was back then it was cool. So at 19 I find out I'm pregnant. He was so excited and I was so sure things were going to be great. He was going to get a real job, we were going to get married, yada yada yada......well soon after I found out I was pregnant things got bad, he was on drugs, and then starting being physically abusive. At first it only happened a few times and he always apologized, and things were ok for a while. Then when I was 3 months pregnant he went back to jail. So here I was 19, pregnant and alone. I moved back in with my parents and got a job at WalMart. I worked all through my pregnancy and got most of the stuff I needed myself. My parents were wonderful and helped me so much. My mom even drove me to the prison T was in when my son was 4 weeks old so he could see him. When my son was 3 months old, T got out and again I went back. Things were going good at first, I really thought maybe this time he really changed, as I thought everytime. But again, things went bad and he started the same old stuff. I had a child now and had gotten a little smarter so I left him. For the next few years we talked occasionally and he saw his son once in a while and then was back in jail. By this time I had finished a secretarial program at a vocational school, and gotten a pretty good job. I had a car and my own apartment and things were going good. Then he started writing and calling and promising things had changed and he was ready to settle down and be a good father and the whole nine. So AGAIN when he got out he came to live with us. And actually things were good for a few months. He got a job, he was helping me pay bills, and we were getting along good. Then things changed again and he started everything all over again. I didn't wait for things to get worse this time, I told him to get out that it was over. He moved out, and kept making threats of killing me and I better not be with anyone else and all that crap. Well that same month he went back to jail. Notice a pattern here? This time when he got out I did NOT go back to him. We spoke when I dropped my son off at his mom's and picked him up but that was about all. We would meet at public places around town to exchange our son, because by this time I had moved and didn't want him knowing where I lived. This worked for a few months then he stopped picking our son up as often and we heard from him less and less. One day he called and asked me to meet him at the gas station to talk to him, and he said he had some money for me. I went up there and he lied about the money he just knew that would get me to come. He told me this was my last chance to get back with him or he was getting married! I just laughed and said do whatever we are not getting back together. So I assumed this was just another of his ploys but I found out thru a mutual friend that he did indeed get married to this girl he had known a few months. After they got married we didn't hear from him. I did hear thru the grapevine he was back on drugs, and doing bad things again so I knew it was best he wasn't around my son. Then the biggest shocker. A few months after the marriage someone comes to me and tells me that T is on the run and the police are looking for him for murder. At this time this was all hearsay and it was just what was heard. Anyway, my heart sank into my stomach and I was in kindof a daze for the next couple days. This was told to me on Friday. Monday I come home from work and my sister meets me at the door and tells me she needs to talk to me. She says that there was a story on the news that day that they had arrested T for murder. I was in awe. I was crying, for so many reasons. I was devastated at the thought of one day having to tell my son what his dad had done. I was so mad at him for doing it (although none of this has been proven, they have not been to trial) and not thinking about his son, and was grieving for the family of the victim, and I guess I was also grieving the loss of any hope I had that he would straighten up his life and be father to his son. I was also thinking, "Oh God, all the times he threatened me I never thought he would do it, now what if it had been me?" I had so many thoughts running thru my head and all I could do was cry. How could I have spent so many years of my life loving this person? And how could I still "love" him after all this? Although I wouldn't be with him, and I was no longer in love with him, I still loved him for being the father of my child and being my first true love and never wanted to see anything bad happen to him. Yet now I was faced with this. My son still doesn't know where his dad is or what is going on. He asked about him some, but he hasn't seen or talked to him in over a year so he asks less and less. I just say I don't know where he lives. He does ask to see his cousins, but up until yesterday I didn't know where they were. So this brings me to my problem. T's mother and family want to see my son, I want my son to have a relationship with his father's side of the family, but I need to tell my son his father is in jail first and I'm not sure how to do this. I think he is too young to know all the facts especially since it hasn't gone to trial yet. But they want to take him to see his father. I feel I need to talk to my son and let him know that his dad is in jail, and ask him if he would like to see him. I don't think that decision should be made for him, and that is why I want to talk to T's mom and sister first. To make sure we all understand that if my son wants to see his dad then fine, if not he doesn't have to and I don't want anyone taking him up there, if that is not what he wants to do. Well so now you all know my life story......hope this doesn't come back to bite me in the ass one day.......